i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Dear god my vagina.
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