im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
