Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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