It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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