He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
