Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
