D3 body, D1 cock
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You have to summon your inner elephant
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
