I'm eating all of the evidence.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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