You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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