i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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