Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
