he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Oh god it's open bar.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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