i used baking grease as lip gloss
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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