Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
3pm strippers are depressing
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
