Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
