Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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