His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
