My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
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