1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
