I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
