I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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