mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
