areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
