i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
