So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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