one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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