Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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