so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
