how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
