I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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