Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
