Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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