Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
