There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
