Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
