tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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