u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
