remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
