Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
