its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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