Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
