Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
