I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I am naked and annoyed.
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