I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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