I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
