I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
