Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
