for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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