My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
