meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
