i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
