CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
